I Prayed My Gifts Away - Episode 8

In this deeply personal episode of The Spiritual Realest, I open up about what it felt like growing up with spiritual gifts while carrying the pressure of being a minister’s child, battling guilt, hiding my sexuality, and trying to survive under the weight of religion and expectation.

For years, I believed I had to choose between being authentic and being connected to God. I share my experiences with prophecy, spiritual encounters, praying my gifts away, and the emotional exhaustion that came from constantly feeling like I had to be “on” for everyone around me while secretly struggling within myself.

This episode is about what happens when guilt becomes heavier than your gifts. It’s about the moment I realized that my spirituality and my authenticity were never supposed to be enemies. I talk about suppressing parts of myself to feel accepted, the freedom I found outside of religious shame, and the powerful realization that my gifts never actually left me — they were simply waiting for me to return to myself fully and honestly.

I also share spiritual practices and tools that helped me reconnect with my highest self, including lavender rituals, spiritual cleansing, and transformational healing practices that supported me on my journey.

If you’ve ever felt trapped between who you are and who you were taught you had to be in order to deserve God’s love, this conversation is for you.

I’m Scarlet Drought. Earthly good and heavenly minded. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

This is the Spiritual Realist, and I'm Scarlett Drown. This is a space for honest conversation about spirituality, individuality, and growth. Welcome to opening your mind without pressure, performance, or pretending.

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From views to food.

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Heavenly minded, but earthly good.

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From church fans to creed. Cross hanging over the doorway. But the church still know the truth.

SPEAKER_02 0:48

Let's begin. So we're going to do our sambol to clear any negative energy or any interruptions while we spend this time together. Today our scent is lavender. I have it here in its natural form, and I also have it here in essential oil. And so we're going to put some in our handy dandy diffuser so that we can set the atmosphere with the essential oil. Lavender is good for calming. It's good for spiritual awareness and spiritual discernment. It's also good for crown chakra, inner peace, and higher consciousness. Let's begin with just talking about spiritual gifts. And we are all born with spiritual gifts. Some are tangible forms, some are unseen, but we're all born with spiritual gifts no matter what. Gifts come without repentance. Let me say that again. Gifts come without repentance. So when you can't understand why someone who has done something so evil or so bad in our sight, they can still sing the glory of God down, or they can still write the most prolific and profound songs or piece of poetry, right? Gifts, again, come without repentance. What I'm saying is I was born with some amazing gifts. I'm extremely creative. And when I say extremely, I mean extremely creative. I'm a dreamer. I have a knowing that is undescribable. It just happens to me in moments that I don't even understand sometimes. I have the ability to learn not only new stuff, but learn things in a way that people don't even understand or comprehend that I'm learning it. I'm also a natural-born helpmate. And what that means is I have the ability to help people in situations that I myself maybe have never experienced, or I'm able to help find the resources in a way that some people just don't understand. It's unexplainable. Sometimes the knowing and the help may all work hand in hand so that I can actually do the thing or the task that God put in my face for me to do to help them out. I do operate in the spiritual realm as a prophetess, and usually I'm in a different mindset. So I will dive into that one day later. And those of you who have parents in high positions in churches, trust me when I say I understand exactly how you feel. As a minister's kid, you're seen in a different light in the church. The burden of having parents in these positions is greater than any other burden on any other kids with parents not in these positions. The weight can tend to be heavy. There's so many unwritten rules for us. There's so many things that we are not allowed to do, or we're not supposed to do, or we're not supposed to move. And a lot of times we're just trying to survive growing up, right? Growing up under the umbrella of being a PK or a higher upper level ministry kid. And this allows us to have to choose different paths than our natural instinct would want us to choose. So I right now take this time to send light and love to you because it's not easy. Remember, we're humans just like everyone else and just like all the other kids in church, even though sometimes they don't see us that way. With that being said, understanding my gifts early was a blessing. And when I say it was a blessing, it was a blessing. However, it actually could cause a lot of pressure. The pressure to have this gift and have people want you to use it as an automatic light switch can get a lot of tasking emotions inside. Trying to live perfect and right in God's eyes so that your gifts can stay authentic. While adults seem to forget that we are going through life changes. Our bodies are changing, our hormones are changing. We actually have mental breakdowns in our own heads because we're trying to live up to the standards that our parents have, other church members have, even some people amongst your own church group have for you. It's a lot of inner pressure, all happening while you're trying to live within the guidelines of religion, the religion of Christianity for me. I mean, here I am being overtaken by the Holy Ghost. As I just finished having sex in the car with my boyfriend, I mean, if that's not sinning, what is? Yet, out of my mouth, God is truly speaking. I mean, there's no way I had the ability to prophesy or say these things at this moment. I was just a sinner. God, why did you choose to use me after I just fornicated, which is one of the biggest sins, and yet your spirit still overshadowed and took me over. Not to mention I was just 17. The pressure is way hard, way heavy. At the time, I really didn't even want to be with the guy. Like I knew at the age of probably about five or six that I desired women. But I dare not bring that up. I mean, the amount of times I fasted and prayed on my knees for hours, asking God to remove this thorn from me, because it was too absorbing. It was too big. All while having to live an alternative lifestyle, my most inner truth was hidden while God continuously, over and over, used me. Because my whole life, even now, I pray, God, I just want to do your will. I want to live in the purpose that I was put on this earth this time to live. Let me only do your will. I want to be used by you authentically. I want to do exactly what it is that I need to do to help just one person. Just one. Because if I could help just one person as your vessel, then guess what? I have succeeded in this life because I know that my calling is to be your helpmate. As far back as I can remember, I've prayed that prayer. And still do to this day. However, this has gotten too heavy for me. This at one point was such a burden until I did not even understand what I was actually given. I remember in college, sitting in my dorm room, and my gifts are getting more and more elevated. I'm at a Christian school. We're always in the presence. I would be waking up night after night after night. My bed is soaking wet. And when I say soaking wet, I mean like I'm sleeping in a waterbed, soaking wet, and it has a leak, soaking wet. I was literally fighting myself in my dreams. Now, when I say physically fighting, I mean sword in hand or fist up or running towards myself in a very combative way. I couldn't push myself any further. I couldn't pray for these things to be removed from my mind. I couldn't pray for my body to stop desiring a woman. I couldn't pray any harder for the thorn in my side to be removed. At the same time, God was using me in bigger and bigger settings. I mean, there were places I was going spiritually. I couldn't even explain to people. Even people that were actually in the room with me while these things were happening. I mean, it would be like I started singing in the choir room, in rehearsal, and the spirit would take over. And when I say the spirit take over, I mean like anyone who walked in the room afterwards. My fellow choir mates are slain in the spirit. I mean, other people coming in, they're slain in the spirit. The director at this point is like, I don't even know what's happening because God is moving just like that. But the whole time, I longed to be with a woman. I mean, I didn't want these gifts anymore. I wanted to pause because I was unpure. In my thinking, in my body feeling, in my mind's eye, and in my spirit man, I was unpure. I didn't understand that I could be used of God as a vessel when I was committing or wanting to commit one of the biggest sins that we're ever taught. And that's to be with someone of the same sex. How can I be used of God? Me? I don't want these gifts anymore. You can have them. I wanted to be free. I needed to be free. So I prayed. And when I tell y'all I prayed, let me tell you something. If you don't know nothing about me, please believe you, me. I got a prayer life. And I prayed these gifts away. I needed to breathe. Coupled with the fact that I always had to be on. People were always calling me to the front. Someone always wanted me to pray for them. There was always a message that someone wanted me to give them. It was almost like Scarlett, turn on the light switch. I mean, I'm already battling things in my head. People then wanted to abuse the gifts that I had because I didn't know how to say no. I didn't know how to say, I ain't feeling it. I didn't know how to tell God at that moment, I want to sit. I want to break. I want to pause. So God, please, I need you to remove these gifts from me. And no lie, I promise you guys, I didn't remember dreams for years after that. I mean, here and there, I didn't wake up in night sweats anymore. I didn't wake up on the couch anymore. I didn't wake up talking to someone who wasn't there anymore, or seeing a spirit at my door anymore. That all stopped. For my whole life. At first, it was amazing. I mean, I didn't have to talk to people about dreams that I had seen about them, or warnings that I had to tell them, or I didn't have to show up in a way that wasn't pleasing to me because I was in the flesh. So I'm just gonna put that out there. That was my fleshly man talking. Trust me, it gets odd when you always have to tell people their own secrets, right? Or warn them about something that you had no idea they were dealing with. But I no longer was getting up in the middle of services. My body was no longer being contorted in the sense of catching the Holy Spirit. I was normal, or at least I thought I was. And I didn't know that I was exhausted. I was finally able to explore being with a woman without the guilt of feeling the burden of these gifts. For the very first time in my life, I felt free from religion. Even though I still sang in the gospel choir at school, I still attended church, I still went to chapel, I didn't feel the weight of Christianity. And I'm realizing in this very moment that this was truly my path to a new spirituality. Wow. And I mean wow, because literally I'm realizing that just talking to you. So when I said gifts come without repentance, little did I know it was just how I started, unbeknownst to me, prophesying, just in regular conversations. People would start telling me, God, every time I talk to you, it's like you're dropping jewels on me. Like out of nowhere, you start talking about the actual thing that I'm actually going through. Now, wait a minute. What? Are you trying to tell me that my gift just advanced because I took the religion out of it? I mean, the box that I was in was no longer the problem that I could just walk in my gifts and live in my gifts without the scrutiny of Christianity. Hold on. That didn't make sense. But it did. It wasn't until 20 years later that I actually prayed for my gifts to return. I actually wanted to start reading tarot. It was after I got my first reading. And I wanted to make sure that I could see clearer. I was today years old when I realized that my gifts actually never left. God just let them lie dormant until I was able to come to him as my most authentic self. And as I'm talking to you right now, in this moment, I truly understand. Gifts are without repentance. The whole time it was guilt of not being perfect that actually had me trapped. Did I have moments of regretting that I prayed my gifts away? Of course I did. I mean, they were mine. I was used to them, I lived in them, I operated, I was identified as those gifts. So of course there were moments where I wish I would have used other means to deal with what was going on instead of asking God to take my gifts away. However, I also believe that in everything there's a lesson. And I've learned so much on this journey until there are things that I probably would not have experienced or had tried. There are experiences that I had that I probably didn't have to experience had I not prayed my gifts away. I mean, I'm pretty sure I could have been warned about a few exes or a few business ventures or a few friends that I could have left where they were. But all in all, I'm grateful for the experience. I'm grateful for the learning process, and I'm grateful for me being here right now. Because even in talking with you and sharing these moments with you, I'm learning. Again, I was today's old when I realized that my gifts were never taken. They just laid dormant. Spirituality requires authenticity. In order for you to truly remain and stay connected to God, you have to be authentic. That is first and foremost. You do not have to lose who you are and your truest self and your highest self to stay connected to God. God connects to all of us just as we are. He is the one that will elevate you. And if it's something about you that he wants to change, let God do that, not guilt. Is there anything that you decided to remove so that you can feel safe? Because that is a part of you. And remember, God works in authenticity. There are some things that you can do to invite your true and highest self back to the forefront. So you can get what I call the stone of transformation, which a lot of people call it that. It's not just me, but I love it because it is one of the things that I wore to help me truly transform my relationship with God. It's called Moldavite. Moldovite is a bit expensive. It can be anywhere from$25 to$50 a gram for different classes. It can be very expensive and you can get$100 a gram depending on where you get it from. But it is a transformational crystal and it works very well. I have this custom piece that I made, I had made for me for one of my birthdays. And if you don't want or you're not ready for such a heavy transformation, and you just want to start the process, you can definitely take a lavender bath. You could take some fresh lavender, put it in a sashel, and in this sash, you will put it in hot water. While the water is running, let it be as hot as you can stand, and invite your spirit guides and your true authentic self to come back to yourself and soak in that for about 20 minutes. I suggest lighting one white candle. And if you want to get fancy, you can put two at the end of each side of the tub. Pray that your highest self come to the forefront, your most authentic self come to the forefront. And this is not an initiation, it's just an invitation to start re-evaluating and re-seeing your relationship with God. Unscholid drought, earthly good, and heavenly minded. Remember, you don't have to lose yourself in order to have a relationship with God. You can be your most authentic self. As always, let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight. O Lord, my strength and my redeemer. As Shay. You can watch on YouTube, listen on all the podcast platforms, and continue the conversation at The Spiritual Realist. I'm Scarlett Drow, heavenly minded but earthly good. Until next time. The Spiritual Realist is produced by Organized Movement.

SPEAKER_00 21:23

From O to dead.