I Let My Ego Call it Love - Episode 17

In this episode of The Spiritual Realest, I’m talking about ego, identity, control, and the way pride can disguise itself as love, loyalty, purpose, or protection.

Using patchouli as the grounding oil of this episode, I reflect on how ego can take over when we attach our identity to a relationship, a role, or an image we are afraid to release. I share a deeply personal story about toxic love, control, obsession, and the moment I finally had to choose freedom over possession.

This episode is about learning that not every thought is truth and not every attachment is alignment. It is a reminder to pause before reacting, observe before defending, and ask ourselves the harder questions: Am I trying to prove something? Am I acting from fear? Am I trying to control something just so I can feel secure?

Because ego reacts, but spirit observes. And real love should never require me to lose myself just to keep it.

The Spiritual Realist is edited and produced by Organized Movements

Recorded at Privicast Studio

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

This is the Spiritual Realist, and I'm Scarlett Drown. This is a space for honest conversation about spirituality, individuality, and growth. Welcome to opening your mind without pressure, performance, or pretending. From views to heavenly minded, but earthly good.

SPEAKER_02 0:20

From church fans to creed. Cross hanging over the doorway. But the church still knew the truth.

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Let's begin.

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Let the spirit speak.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

So we're gonna ring our bowl, get rid of any negative energy or any distractions that will come between us today. Today we are going to use the oil of patchouli. Now we've already started it, and of course we have it in our handy-dandy alabaster box. But today we are going to talk about the elements of patchouli. It grinds identity, it brings awareness back to oneself, and it also reduces performative energy. Not every thought we have is truth. Some of it is a form of protection produced by ego. And I know you got a big ego, right? We all do, right? And so sometimes we allow our ego to be our narrator. We allow our ego to run the show. And how is that a hindrance for you? I'll tell you because it definitely was a hindrance for me. So I had an ex that I was the main provider for a very long time in this relationship. And I thought I was doing what we needed to be done for the love of them. I thought that it was beneficial for us. It was what was carrying us through. It was keeping us connected. But truly, it was me having control. It was me holding on to something that I probably really should have let go of. Just to be clear, this relationship lasted for give or take about 10 years, closer to 10. And the whole time I was the main provider of the house, the finances, the resources. It was mostly me. And I really used that as a way to control the love level and the relationship in a way that was not beneficial for she nor I. And ego made me stay longer than I should have. It cost me way more than I needed to pay. And it hindered me from being and moving further in life because I was trying to hold so tight to what I thought I needed. I thought our relationship was the supreme. I thought we were destined. I thought that we were breaking chains and boundaries and showing the world what true gay love meant and true woman-on-woman love meant. I thought that we were the ultimate couple, right? But the whole time, my ego was controlling every step of our relationship. And that ego got bruised the second she cheated. And just like that, what does the ego do when it gets bruised? It comes back harder, stronger. I became more obsessed and territorial. I became more possessive of her and her love than I did over the things that I needed. I was willing to sacrifice my own wants, needs, and desires to continue controlling that person in a relationship. What'd she do? Cheated again, which made me more egotistical. I then rolled on how dare you! I provide for you, I give for you, I do for you, I sacrifice for you, and you still got the audacity to cheat on me. So now I want to know your every move. I want to know your every text, your every call. Listen, I became unglued with knowing her location, where she at, who she doing, who she talking to. To the fact that she was, I literally was like, you don't have to work. I got you. Ego. Ego. Because yes, she needed to work. But I was willing to work overtime to control her location. You don't have to get a car, drive mine, drop me to work. My ego was that emboldened until I did not even want her to be free. Use my cards. Your name don't need to be on there, you know the pandemic, so that I can know every move she made that wasn't fair to her, and it was not fair to myself. But because I thought that this was my purpose in life, and this was the love of my life, and this was the person I was gonna go through life with, I allowed myself to be there. Be misused, be subdued to self-esteem issues, because of ego. I took on things that were not even my responsibility throughout her family, throughout her life, throughout her issues, I took those things on all because my ego was too prideful to take a back seat. So let me give you some examples of how obsessed and how I allow my ego to take me out of who I really am. One time we were having an argument. Let me pause. I will say that my obsession with her caused her to drink. And I mean an obscene amount of drinking. And I'm not a drinker, but because I was always around, she was free to drink as much as she wanted because I have carried her in the house plenty of times, I have undressed her plenty of times, I have catered to that ailment a lot because I know that I was the cause of that at times. And she had been out, she had gotten a job, and she had been out with work friends and come home late. And I mean like maybe like 10 or 11 o'clock from like being off work at four o'clock. And I was like, mm-mm, mm-mm. You can't tell me you was just drinking at the bar around the corner with some friends, and I got your location, so I know where you're at. And we get into this big argument. And at the time, I am in the shower. I got out of the shower, and we're still going back and forth. I mean, we're going back and forth. We're going back and forth. It's a yelling match. We're going back and forth. And she decides, I'm not taking this. I did not cheat. I was not cheating. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, and you're not going anywhere. I took the keys. I'm hiding the keys. I'm not letting her leave. Mind you, it's in her car. She got her car. And I still was taking her keys. You're not leaving me. I don't care. Blah, blah, blah. Fast forward about maybe 30 minutes later, she wrestled the keys for me. We're tussling. She wrestles the keys for me and she gets out the door. I am starch naked, not a drop of clothes. Booty ass, butt ass naked. And I walk right out of the door behind her. People are outside. They could see. I did not care how I looked. I did not care how it seemed. I did not care about the neighbors. All I cared about was my ego not allowing her to leave. I looked crazy. But I was depressed with holding on to this relationship and control of her until I could not even let her go. She goes, You outside naked out here like this? Look at you. You look crazy. And you know what I said? Are you gonna leave? Or are you gonna come back in the house? She got in the car and she drove her happy butt away from this crazy ass girl outside, butt ass naked. Y'all, ego, pride takes you there. I'm not happy about it. There are many instances. That was the only time I walked out naked. There are many instances where I held her against her will. That's called kidnapping. There are many instances where I canceled the bank card while she was out, or I transferred money to a different account so that she couldn't spend it. There are many instances that I am not proud of. All I know is that this was the first love of my life, and my ego was not gonna let it go. Just wasn't gonna let it go. I had no rhyme or reason to stay. She had no rhyme or reason to stay. We had loved all we could, we had grown all we could, we had moved through life all we could together, but we couldn't do it. We couldn't separate. Because yes, I was obsessed with you. And yes, I did things that were out of ego and out of pride. And yes, I guilted you into doing things for me. However, she also had her own issues, and I thought to myself, you are worthy of love that you do not have to strangle. You are worthy of love that you do not have to be obsessed about. You are worthy of love in freedom. So finally, after 10 years, I decided that if she's not going to truly walk away from me, and basically she did because she ended up probably having a whole nother girlfriend while I was paying all the bills. So I mean, look what pride got me, right? Look what ego got me, right? Ego got me stuck with bills and scars, and I call scars, scars were caused for what, right? When I could have just sat back and accepted the fact that we were no longer meant to be. We were no longer the perfect couple. We were no longer the it, right? I had to finally subdue ego and say, guess what? I'm better than this. That's not who I am as a person. I'm a giver. And when I'm done giving, I just stop. That's my normal. Because at the end of the day, if your partner isn't here to elevate you and move you forward and help get you to the next level, as should you help your partner, then you guys should take a retrospective look at that relationship. Are you staying because of ego or are you staying because it is the right person for you? I don't know.

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Pray.

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Ask God. I allow the identity of our relationship to control my trajectory throughout that relationship, my actions, my responses, the ego of identifying with being in love with the first woman that I would ever love, that controlled what I was doing at that time. So there are other examples. For instance, if you are a lawyer, you went to school, you studied, you passed the bar, you practiced, but it's not fulfilling you. It's not making you happy, it's not helping you and guiding you to the next level on where you want to go. Is your ego keeping you there as a lawyer? You are a teacher and you're teaching, you're great at what you do, you have the wherewithal to do it in a way that helps these young people learn, but your heart isn't there. Is ego keeping you in the classroom? Or do you want to be an administrator? But you're afraid to step out of that teaching role because your ego is saying to you, maybe you're not good enough. Maybe there's someone better. Because ego can also hinder you from moving forward with having doubt on the next thing coming. Or maybe it's as gentle as being a stay-at-home mom. And you have the gunction to go back into the work industry, or maybe you haven't been in the work industry and you want to go in the work industry, but ego is giving you the message saying, hey, if you go back into work, or if you go to work, you won't be a good mom or you won't be the best wife. When at the end of the day, maybe that's your trajectory so that you can be a better wife and a better mother. Maybe ego is holding you in a box. It has you captive as if if you don't have this label or this identity, then who are you? And that is why we have to work on maneuvering through our reactive emotions to be proactive in life. There is a place for ego. Ego is meant to protect. It is good for something, but it should not be your identity. Ego is a reaction, it reacts, but your spirit it observes. So allow your spirit to observe first before you allow your ego to react. Remember, you do not have to react to every thought that you have. Some thoughts should just come and wash away, and some thoughts should come and stay. You do not have to agree with every thought. When you become aware, it reduces ego's control over your actions, over your life, over your identity. When we are humble, it creates clarity in the way we walk, in the way we talk, in the way we think, and the way we live. Here's some quick questions you can say to yourself to see if you're walking in ego or walking in true self-identity. Number one, am I trying to prove something right now? Number two, am I acting out of fear or are these my true values? Number three, do I have to be right in this situation? Do I have to absolutely be right in this situation? Number four, am I looking down on others just to feel good about me? Number five, am I trying to control somebody just so I can feel secure? Because that's definitely ego. I'm Scarlet Drow, heavenly minded, but earthly good. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight. O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer. Know yourself because I know me.

SPEAKER_02 18:46

From church fans to create.

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If something about this episode stayed with you, then you're exactly who this space is for. Share with a friend you think should be here too. You can watch on YouTube, listen on all the podcast platforms, and continue the conversation at The Spiritual Realist. I'm Scarlett Drought, heavenly minded but earthly good. Until next time. The Spiritual Realist is produced by Organized Movies.

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From four to head, to touch the dirt, I let the spirit guide me to the host of the earth called. I remember every story that they spoke in the words. I melt out by the strength by these.